March 2011
1 post
3 tags
December 2010
1 post
2 tags
This was left on my phone at 6:30am.
March 2010
2 posts
7 tags
you sure think about brains an awful lot...
So anyways, I haven’t posted in over two weeks, and that is a major faux-pas to a budding bloglodyte. In my defense, I was working on a superawesometastic Valentine’s Day post, but it was just simply too involved to be put together in a slapdash manner. You guys are going to have to wait a little longer for that post. It will hopefully be worth it. I’m sure you will all think...
February 2010
9 posts
The Colonel with his wee beaty little eyes!
genghisconnie:
My sister asked me to draw this for her. She was tipsy and hungry. Her favorite meal that she allows herself to eat only once a year is KFC.
7 tags
dropping a line (2 - electric boogaloo)*
Welcome to Redhead Week here at OKCLTNGR (aka my semi-secluded suburban residence during my in-between drone jobs phase). What that means is that I’ve actually sent out a few letters on OkCupid this week, all to redheads (Note: letters were sent to four young ladies, but one appears to NOT be a redhead. - Ed.) Since life is no fun if you don’t bend the rules or tweak the system, in...
5 tags
i like the way you think
I don’t know. This was kind of a one trick pony of a message, but it does hopefully convey one thing: I want to bowl and do karaoke at the same time. I think that at least the subject line addresses something about the recipient. I wonder how many more messages like this one she received before canceling her account and running away from the computer screaming. But if you’re going...
6 tags
the Mosby-Stinson Saturday night message conundrum
Here’s another funny and well-written email that doesn’t really say much of substance, but says a lot about my personality. I referenced the awesome “How I Met Your Mother” in the subject line (of which she is a fan as well), with just a subtle hint of Schrödinger’s cat in it. Yes, I did mention another female, but I also mentioned that she was also using OkCupid,...
Best Gigs Craigslist post possibly EVER
goldman:
thecraigslistblog:
Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. (Astoria, NY)
Date: 2010-01-30, 6:20PM EST Reply to: XXXXXXX [Errors when replying to ads?]
WANTED: One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our...
January 2010
14 posts
4 tags
Had to give you props...
Now, this letter was brief, laudatory (who doesn’t love being applauded for repeating stuff that Eddie Murphy performed 25 years ago?), and sincere (have you seen this girl’s smile? very nice). Plus, she says she likes to laugh and I closed with a really bad pun based on the phrase that I was commenting on. This was classic, and never received a response. Note: the...
4 tags
Missed IM Message(s)
Hey everyone, This one is kind of confusing to me. Now, if you’ve gone to the trouble of instant messaging someone, but they miss your message, couldn’t you at the very least respond to the apology for missing your message? This one isn’t very clever, but it’s all true. I will post another one in a few minutes to make up for it. It’s a shame, really, because since...
Praying Jew Causes Emergency Landing →
goldman:
youngmanhattanite:
(via hellofriend)
The video of the Philly cop explaining tefillin like it’s some martian artifact (well, kinda true) is pretty priceless if you’re into Jew humor.
5 tags
you had me until you mentioned math
Leave it to me to write to a complete stranger and throw my brother under the math bus. Apparently, she’s seeing someone now. I guess he likes math. I believe I have another letter in this series that mentions the woman being blonde and good at math, so I’m sure that one needs no further investigation.
This letter goes to show that sometimes when you are drunk and/or awake at 5am,...
1 tag
Joe Pernice - Mercury Lounge 1/15/09
Joe Pernice - Mercury Lounge 1/15/09 Chicken Wire Endless Supply Our Time Has Passed Goodbye Killer (new) We Love The Stage (new) Judy Prince Valium Man Descending A Nude Descending A Staircase (new) Grudge Fuck Oklahoma (w/ Other Pernice) I’m Not the Loving Kind (w/ Other Pernice) I Go To Pieces (Del Shannon) (w/ Other Pernice) Chevy Van (Sammy Johns) (w/ Other Pernice) ...
FIRST PERSON TETRIS →
goldman:
Just play it. There are no words.
Doctors Without Borders on Tumblr →
staff:
Doctors Without Borders is doing an extraordinary amount in Haiti. Please support their efforts and donate anything you can.
6 tags
i just wanted to say
So yes, this might win the award for shortest message sent that you’re likely to see on here. Also, it’s worth noting that I don’t think there are any women out there who rate higher percentagewise on the site at the moment. So it makes sense that she never replied and that she is no longer active, because she probably never existed in the first place, and by mentioning...
10 tags
had to say hi
Wow, it’s 5:32am as I type this. I spent tonight working on the Facebook fan page for this blog, so that I can break the internet by having my blog update my facebook, my facebook update my twitter, my twitter update my facebook, on and on until something goes crazy and breaks and the universe goes kablooey!!! (Like Schrödinger’s Cat and a Möbius Strip playing chicken on a binary...
5 tags
i have no idea what to say
My last post of the year for 2009. Good riddance to a mostly shitty year. Lost a job, got booted out of my apartment, made a mess of a friendship, lost a girl to distance…the world lost some talented-ass musicians and writers. Hopefully, 2010 will be better. Somehow, I have a feeling certain things will be, at least.
So yeah, I think in the new year I am going to update this blog just...
December 2009
27 posts
5 tags
your profile keeps crossing my path
In retrospect, I know exactly why this one didn’t get a response. I totally dissed this girl unknowingly like three times. [although, according to The Game, wouldn’t that make her want me more? - Ed.]
1) I see you on here all the time but can’t bring myself to write you (because you’re undesirable)
2) you seem pretty cool (as a friend, because you’re not pretty...
7 tags
lenny bruce is not afraid
All I recall is that her profile mentioned some line from “It’s the End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” - but I can’t remember what. I can’t believe I forgot to close parentheses in the first full sentence of this letter, so I guess I can’t blame her for not replying, though by not replying, she infers that she did not giggle at the least from...
7 tags
this is gonna sound weird... (the sequel)
I said “weird” a lot in this email, so that was kind of strange. I think from her photos I may have seen her around Brooklyn, perhaps even tending bar. Join me tomorrow when I quote R.E.M. lyrics for reasons that escape me now.
[But we do have so much to talk about according to OkCupid. Mostly because “I think you both like the shins, bob dylan, get up kids, and...
4 tags
breaking the ice
Alright, so this one is actually pretty straightforward, and may contain the best line I’ve ever written to another human being, in terms of being simultaneously self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating. If I could do this in reverse, I would beat The Game at picking up women. Unfortunately for women, I don’t know how to give a backhanded compliment without sounding like I’m...
6 tags
do you often date blobs?* (This young lady had a...
This is a Boxing Day treat for you, my dear readers. This is about the closest I’ve come to writing a one-liner in a letter. I don’t know why this didn’t get a response.
[checking now to see what I could have mentioned in a conversation with her, OkCupid says “I think you both like cat power, and lost in translation.” Wow, that sounds like we would be the happiest...
10 tags
Hi there *(notice lack of witty subject line or...
So yes, genital readers, my previous post entitled “i’ve given up on witty subject lines” was clearly not an empty threat. So for Christmas, the day we celebrate our lard and savory, Horzak the Wonderfully Colored Plastic Sheep, I give you a funny letter to an unappreciative lass (alas, with a lazy subject line), who might be too tall for me anyway.
She had a lot of funny...
2 tags
Pee Soup - “Horzak The Wonderfully Colored...
6 tags
i've given up on witty subject lines
The first thing you may be thinking is that I dealt my hand WAY too soon on this one! If I start with nothing witty, though, can’t it only get better? Pretty sure there’s one coming up soon that has the subject line “I’m not even going to try.” Ha ha.
If you’re going to have a screen name that references something only a small minority of people are going to...
10 tags
Zardoz? Wow.
This one is for @matzamafia, because I know how much he is going to love the subject line. You’re welcome, Jacob.
In this episode, I try a new tactic - bad movie fandom. Apparently, my mistake was to be overexcited by someone being a fellow bad movie connoisseur. Perhaps I could have asked what other bad movies she enjoyed. Is it possible that my tagging of “Zardoz” as a bad...
6 tags
i like food and you like food...
This is certainly not the fifth time I’ve mentioned food in an email (nor anywhere near the last), but considering that it was a big part of this young lady’s profile, I assumed it was a good icebreaker. In fact, this may have been the least weird email i’ve ever written to a stranger.
Also, I was upfront about my lack of a static identity - so where are my points for honesty? ...
12 tags
Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan...
In retrospect, the only word I needed to put in this letter was “YES!” I mean, how awesome are those three things being in a woman’s profile? By typing anything other than “YES!” I was showing my hand, mainly the fact that I was 35, hate the Doobie Brothers, and possibly a sociopath. Not that I would take back anything I said. I am not a fan of taking anything to...
5 tags
my roommate has all four Beatles on the wall...
So this one is pretty straightforward. I was really hoping to get insight into a mind that didn’t have a problem with Nicole Kidman’s wooden excuse for acting in Noah Baumbach’s “Margot At The Wedding” (which I really liked, EXCEPT for Ms. Kidman and her face of zero emotion - she’s becoming like a female Nicholas Cage)…You can read all about how I feel...
7 tags
this is gonna sound weird
Here we go with today’s bonus entry, since the preceding one was kinda lame. This one is brief, but is full of the entertainment value you’ve come to expect from my letters.
If this young lady is the same person I thought she was, she was actually at a lot of the same LI punk shows as me and was friends with some acquaintances of mine. Somehow, I never seemed to bump into her in...
5 tags
so i stumbled onto your profile
Okay, so this one isn’t so great, but it’s not a bad icebreaker. The Wedding Present is one of my favorite all-time bands. Because this one is so lame, I will give you a bonus one in a separate post.
Speaking of icebreakers, we’re all supposedly living on the edge of blizzard that is threatening to put a damper on a one-time-only reunion of 48 In the Basement and the Microwave...
6 tags
drinking Yuengling and watching Spaced
So yeah, I know it’s after midnight, but I promised to update this every day. I’m updating it now. So suck it. I was really bummed this girl didn’t write me back, because I really, really wanted to do unspeakable things to her. She said she was working on a film about punk rock and was into a lot of cool shit. Oh well, she’s not the first hot girl to ignore me. But...
5 tags
since i'm not going back outside until sunset..
Hello, it’s me again!
Back with another in a burgeoning (and seemingly endless) series of letters I wrote to young ladies on Ok Cupid that never received a response. Today’s entry contains what just might be the best closing line I’ve ever written, and I am super-excited to share it with you all. I bet the old dude sitting directly in front of me at the Borders Cafe here in...
6 tags
intrigued by "Pants Theory"
Hello, again, Gentile readers (and Happy “Honika Electronica” to my fellow Hooknoses). It’s purely coincidental that this is the second entry in a row with the word “theory” in the title. I’ve been going in chronological order, so maybe since May is the merry month that makes it the theory month of June. Yes, that was a terrible joke.
Anyways, before I go...
12 tags
i've got a theory...it could be bunnies
This one’s for the ladies…well, the Buffy-lovin’ ladies, that is. Maybe just the dark, curly-haired, political activist ladies with awesome smiles… What about this letter ISN’T awesome? Aside from the fact that when mentioning “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” I should have related the anecdote about the time I went to see it at the Carousel Mall in...
6 tags
not just writing this to gain activity points
Hey there, dear readers! Hope your Monday doesn’t suck too much. I slept through most of mine, so as to avoid the suckness factor. Unfortunately, I slept so late that I’m going to miss my favorite Monday night activity, namely the comedy show Tell Your Friends, produced by Liam McEneaney and Jessica Flores. If you go there, tell Liam that J-Ro sent you.
This particular entry...
5 tags
finding the afikomen
This title might not make sense to you if you aren’t Jewish, but you will all agree it sounds dirty, even without adding the words “…in my pants!” I think it would be a great title for a Jewish porno flick (and a google search for “Jewish Porn” reveals this Top Ten List does NOT contain “Finding the Afikomen”), so it looks like I have a $1000 idea...
5 tags
i sing songs about food in the refrigerator
As promised, here is your daily dose of my sharp letter-writing skills that have helped me to not get laid via Ok Cupid. What’s scary about this one is that it seriously weeds out potential partners for me because not many people would be able to tolerate the two weird things mentioned in this letter. Obviously, I’m still looking for someone who can handle all of that and yet remain...
5 tags
Hi there!
Dear loyal readers (and new friends),
Here is yet another attempt by me at brevity. My friend Christine, who has been enjoying these letters, mentioned that the consistent theme of them all so far seem to be that they are hard to respond to by nature, and I don’t ask a lot of questions. She may be right. Usually I try to point out something in the woman’s profile and then run with...