January 2010
14 posts
5 tags
i have no idea what to say
My last post of the year for 2009. Good riddance to a mostly shitty year. Lost a job, got booted out of my apartment, made a mess of a friendship, lost a girl to distance…the world lost some talented-ass musicians and writers. Hopefully, 2010 will be better. Somehow, I have a feeling certain things will be, at least.
So yeah, I think in the new year I am going to update this blog just...
December 2009
27 posts
5 tags
your profile keeps crossing my path
In retrospect, I know exactly why this one didn’t get a response. I totally dissed this girl unknowingly like three times. [although, according to The Game, wouldn’t that make her want me more? - Ed.]
1) I see you on here all the time but can’t bring myself to write you (because you’re undesirable)
2) you seem pretty cool (as a friend, because you’re not pretty...
7 tags
lenny bruce is not afraid
All I recall is that her profile mentioned some line from “It’s the End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” - but I can’t remember what. I can’t believe I forgot to close parentheses in the first full sentence of this letter, so I guess I can’t blame her for not replying, though by not replying, she infers that she did not giggle at the least from...
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this is gonna sound weird... (the sequel)
I said “weird” a lot in this email, so that was kind of strange. I think from her photos I may have seen her around Brooklyn, perhaps even tending bar. Join me tomorrow when I quote R.E.M. lyrics for reasons that escape me now.
[But we do have so much to talk about according to OkCupid. Mostly because “I think you both like the shins, bob dylan, get up kids, and...
4 tags
breaking the ice
Alright, so this one is actually pretty straightforward, and may contain the best line I’ve ever written to another human being, in terms of being simultaneously self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating. If I could do this in reverse, I would beat The Game at picking up women. Unfortunately for women, I don’t know how to give a backhanded compliment without sounding like I’m...
6 tags
do you often date blobs?* (This young lady had a...
This is a Boxing Day treat for you, my dear readers. This is about the closest I’ve come to writing a one-liner in a letter. I don’t know why this didn’t get a response.
[checking now to see what I could have mentioned in a conversation with her, OkCupid says “I think you both like cat power, and lost in translation.” Wow, that sounds like we would be the happiest...
10 tags
Hi there *(notice lack of witty subject line or...
So yes, genital readers, my previous post entitled “i’ve given up on witty subject lines” was clearly not an empty threat. So for Christmas, the day we celebrate our lard and savory, Horzak the Wonderfully Colored Plastic Sheep, I give you a funny letter to an unappreciative lass (alas, with a lazy subject line), who might be too tall for me anyway.
She had a lot of funny...
2 tags
Pee Soup - “Horzak The Wonderfully Colored...
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i've given up on witty subject lines
The first thing you may be thinking is that I dealt my hand WAY too soon on this one! If I start with nothing witty, though, can’t it only get better? Pretty sure there’s one coming up soon that has the subject line “I’m not even going to try.” Ha ha.
If you’re going to have a screen name that references something only a small minority of people are going to...
10 tags
Zardoz? Wow.
This one is for @matzamafia, because I know how much he is going to love the subject line. You’re welcome, Jacob.
In this episode, I try a new tactic - bad movie fandom. Apparently, my mistake was to be overexcited by someone being a fellow bad movie connoisseur. Perhaps I could have asked what other bad movies she enjoyed. Is it possible that my tagging of “Zardoz” as a bad...
6 tags
i like food and you like food...
This is certainly not the fifth time I’ve mentioned food in an email (nor anywhere near the last), but considering that it was a big part of this young lady’s profile, I assumed it was a good icebreaker. In fact, this may have been the least weird email i’ve ever written to a stranger.
Also, I was upfront about my lack of a static identity - so where are my points for honesty? ...
12 tags
Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan...
In retrospect, the only word I needed to put in this letter was “YES!” I mean, how awesome are those three things being in a woman’s profile? By typing anything other than “YES!” I was showing my hand, mainly the fact that I was 35, hate the Doobie Brothers, and possibly a sociopath. Not that I would take back anything I said. I am not a fan of taking anything to...
5 tags
my roommate has all four Beatles on the wall...
So this one is pretty straightforward. I was really hoping to get insight into a mind that didn’t have a problem with Nicole Kidman’s wooden excuse for acting in Noah Baumbach’s “Margot At The Wedding” (which I really liked, EXCEPT for Ms. Kidman and her face of zero emotion - she’s becoming like a female Nicholas Cage)…You can read all about how I feel...
7 tags
this is gonna sound weird
Here we go with today’s bonus entry, since the preceding one was kinda lame. This one is brief, but is full of the entertainment value you’ve come to expect from my letters.
If this young lady is the same person I thought she was, she was actually at a lot of the same LI punk shows as me and was friends with some acquaintances of mine. Somehow, I never seemed to bump into her in...
5 tags
so i stumbled onto your profile
Okay, so this one isn’t so great, but it’s not a bad icebreaker. The Wedding Present is one of my favorite all-time bands. Because this one is so lame, I will give you a bonus one in a separate post.
Speaking of icebreakers, we’re all supposedly living on the edge of blizzard that is threatening to put a damper on a one-time-only reunion of 48 In the Basement and the Microwave...
6 tags
drinking Yuengling and watching Spaced
So yeah, I know it’s after midnight, but I promised to update this every day. I’m updating it now. So suck it. I was really bummed this girl didn’t write me back, because I really, really wanted to do unspeakable things to her. She said she was working on a film about punk rock and was into a lot of cool shit. Oh well, she’s not the first hot girl to ignore me. But...
5 tags
since i'm not going back outside until sunset..
Hello, it’s me again!
Back with another in a burgeoning (and seemingly endless) series of letters I wrote to young ladies on Ok Cupid that never received a response. Today’s entry contains what just might be the best closing line I’ve ever written, and I am super-excited to share it with you all. I bet the old dude sitting directly in front of me at the Borders Cafe here in...
6 tags
intrigued by "Pants Theory"
Hello, again, Gentile readers (and Happy “Honika Electronica” to my fellow Hooknoses). It’s purely coincidental that this is the second entry in a row with the word “theory” in the title. I’ve been going in chronological order, so maybe since May is the merry month that makes it the theory month of June. Yes, that was a terrible joke.
Anyways, before I go...
12 tags
i've got a theory...it could be bunnies
This one’s for the ladies…well, the Buffy-lovin’ ladies, that is. Maybe just the dark, curly-haired, political activist ladies with awesome smiles… What about this letter ISN’T awesome? Aside from the fact that when mentioning “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” I should have related the anecdote about the time I went to see it at the Carousel Mall in...
6 tags
not just writing this to gain activity points
Hey there, dear readers! Hope your Monday doesn’t suck too much. I slept through most of mine, so as to avoid the suckness factor. Unfortunately, I slept so late that I’m going to miss my favorite Monday night activity, namely the comedy show Tell Your Friends, produced by Liam McEneaney and Jessica Flores. If you go there, tell Liam that J-Ro sent you.
This particular entry...
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finding the afikomen
This title might not make sense to you if you aren’t Jewish, but you will all agree it sounds dirty, even without adding the words “…in my pants!” I think it would be a great title for a Jewish porno flick (and a google search for “Jewish Porn” reveals this Top Ten List does NOT contain “Finding the Afikomen”), so it looks like I have a $1000 idea...
5 tags
i sing songs about food in the refrigerator
As promised, here is your daily dose of my sharp letter-writing skills that have helped me to not get laid via Ok Cupid. What’s scary about this one is that it seriously weeds out potential partners for me because not many people would be able to tolerate the two weird things mentioned in this letter. Obviously, I’m still looking for someone who can handle all of that and yet remain...
5 tags
Hi there!
Dear loyal readers (and new friends),
Here is yet another attempt by me at brevity. My friend Christine, who has been enjoying these letters, mentioned that the consistent theme of them all so far seem to be that they are hard to respond to by nature, and I don’t ask a lot of questions. She may be right. Usually I try to point out something in the woman’s profile and then run with...
5 tags
Hello super-fun cat lady
So, after not getting responses to some of the longer letters I wrote at first, I decided to keep things brief this go-round and then only made a mistake by addressing it to a lady who clearly loves F. Scott Fitzgerald and cats. Then again, that might make her good in bed. I thought I did a good job, though, by not telling her that I had made out with someone at said double-feature. Sorry that...
3 tags
Saucy, eh?
Hello folks! (Does John F. O’Donnell get a royalty if I say that?)
I’m back with my daily dose of ridiculous things I’ve written to women and haven’t heard back from! Somehow I will turn this into something successful, be it a stage show or a toilet paper. Enjoy!
Saucy, eh? Sent to MissAdv 10% Enemy 88% Friend 88% Match Mar. 20, 2008 – 6:33pm I like that in a woman!
I...
3 tags
RE:Hey Cowboy...
Okay, I know this is only my second post, but this one strays a little from the formula by being a response that was never responded to. You all should know that I am going in chronolgical order, starting from when I first signed up for OkCupid.com. As to why I never heard back from this young lady is abundantly clear by wordcount alone. The content of the words just sends the boat over the...
3 tags
dropping a line
This is the first in a series of letters I’ve sent to women on OkCupid.com that did not receive responses. I have left in usernames, match statistics and dates to prove that these are real. I have also tried to keep fixing typos and things to a minimum, as these errors may give clues as to why no response was received, since, of course, I am awesome (and yet still single, ladies). Did I...